Only Flower

There is an only flower growing wild in the yard
Railing against the forces looks to be so hard
I watch her in the sun that gives warmth to who she is
She doesn’t know the only one is just the way it is
Her petals are wide, with brown, and yellow hue
She soaks up the falling rain that is the autumn cue
Lonely is this flower that grows wild in the yard
She should have grown in spring when it wasn’t very hard
Winter calls cold through the autumn sifting
Creatures warm wanting have taken to southern drifting
She grows in the yard not knowing what’s the season
She grows there lonely not knowing if there’s a reason
All the colors that she matches away have they gone
Dawn comes much later as the nights are getting long
Growing wild out of season rebels against the norm
Her strength keeps her rebelling against the autumn storm
Her green broad leaves show strength and might
They’re heavy now with the frigid cold of night
I watch as the season stands to be so hard
To my only little flower growing wild in the yard

Morning

The sun shows bright
The grass glistens with early dew
Geese pick and roam the field
My heart fills with the sounds of the morning

Clouds move across
Dew is washed away by rain
Geese follow the shade for cover
My heart fills with the sounds of noon time

Dark is the sky
Puddles fill the field
Geese find warmth in each other
My heart fills with the sounds of evening

Colors of my day
Fill me with contentment
Geese sing me a new song
This will keep me till the morning

Marking Seasons

Marking seasons is by far my favorite past time. Finding new ways to tell myself we have moved on and have a new vision out the westward facing window. Spring brings the colors to announce summer. My view is a field that hosts new spring green grass, and my mind starts to wander with colors and feelings. My emotions are very wrapped up in colors and seasons. My senses breathe in all the seasons offer, but my mind tells me these things in colors.
Lately my view is of geese. Not a few, or even what some would call a gaggle, but hundreds of geese. They make the most amazing sounds as they sit and talk their goose language. Maybe telling each other of the coming winter, predicting the severity of the winter storms, or the mildness of a winter in the pacific northwest. Or maybe they compose a goose musical piece to be sung as they fly south. I can only listen with human ears to their chattering and wonder. I love to hear them. The fall usually brings the gloom of short days and dark weather but they don't seem to be caught up in it. They bring a melody as I sit and work quietly. And just as I have been pulled into their noise something breaks it and they all take flight, loudly singing their disapproval. The sounds of the geese brings on colors of browns and golds and greens. Fall is beautiful and I'm thankful for the geese who bring it each year.

Rough day

Another "old" writing I came across in my cleaning of older files off my computer. Like the poem "That's Why" and the story "What I learned", this one speaks to my need for Jesus. And after reading all these I realize how I sell short all that God gives me. I guess that's why I saved them, now I can really see.


A Rough Day Written Fall 2006

One day as I was sitting at the computer I was having a particularly rough day spiritually and in any other way I could think of. “Borrowing trouble” is what my grandmother used to call it. And I had borrowed up to my neck all the trouble of the ages in just that one morning. I was so overwhelmed I felt that I had no where to go with it. I had prayed for strength to get me through the day. A superficial prayer at best. I kept ticking off of my minds checklist all the things I had to do and all those things that would go undone because of the way my mind was working. I tried to focus on my bible study but how could I really focus? I mean with all the things going UNDONE, how could one be expected to rise above it? Satan was fueling with everything he had. I had dug a pit of self pity and timidly I yelled in silence. Oh help, yes help. Then I saw up in the right hand corner of my word document…Type a question for help. There it was, calling to me, daring me to use the pull down menu. As though it could actually taunt me I answered aloud, “oh sure, as if you could really help me”. What could I type in there? Which of the things that was overwhelming me could I really put into words? And so the taunt raged on. My bible study went undone and my focus was, well unfocused. So I did it, I used the pull down menu, I had to see what this all knowing word program could offer my overwhelming thoughts. To my overwhelmed mind I was given a blank field for which to type in my question. I laughed to myself as I thought back to the fact it taunted me with the promise of “help”. “See” I said, “there is no help you can give, just more to be overwhelmed about” I tried to think of a question, to put into words how much I needed help at that moment. Trying to put into words the desperate cry of my heart and to quiet the thoughts so now out of control. NOTHING came to my mind but more despair. Then I heard a voice, not the voice of the mangled thoughts running around loose in my head, a sweet quiet voice. “I don’t need words”. Wow, I had prayed but I had tried in my foolish, human way to put into words what I needed. The deeper meaning went unspoken. But God never needs to offer us a pull down menu. His promises of help only require that we seek Him. His promises are not empty like the help field in this word document. The computer program is finite, confined to just the program we are working in at the moment. God’s help is endless like his love and mercy, strength and grace. I needed to hand over the unspoken. I needed not to put into words what my troubles were, He already knew. He was just waiting for me to give them over, trade them for His weapons. His weapons, to fight that voice of overwhelming chaos are not of this world. My troubles are of this world, my life is busy with the things of this world, but my Savior isn’t bound by the standards and restrictions of this world. My prayers cannot be in the forms that this world would deem as sufficient. As I pray I must pray with my whole heart. My soul must be bared to God. I must give him each and every thought, even the ones without words. I must be willing to do this daily.
Precious Lord, I give you today and I ask your forgiveness in allowing all that I have to be wasted today on worry and letting my thoughts go unchecked. Help me gain strength through you word as I study what you would have for me. Quiet the voice of busyness and the voice that says I can’t possible get it all done. The voice of fear and dread. Lord look into my heart and a smooth out all the damage of today so that I may move forward in you. Thank you for showing me all this. I love you Jesus. Amen

What did I learn?

This is something I wrote a long time ago. I believe it was 3 years ago when I was first asked to be an assistant for bible study. At the end of that year each group chose a representative to give a presentation on what they learned. I was informed late one afternoon that I was the rep for my group and would talk THAT night. Yikes! I was so nervous and God was so good to give me words. I can't believe how much God has done in my life since then. How much more I rely on him. How rich my life is. I'm amazed at the journey and blessed by all the souvenirs I've picked up along the way.

What did I learn?
God taught me so much in this 1st book of Corinthians. But what is most amazing to me is how he has taught me wonderful things just being at bible study.
This was my first year as an assistant to a leader. When asked to be Karen’s assistant I was mildly flattered, but mostly bewildered. I prayed very hard that God would give me courage. I wondered why I would be asked because I knew there were women who knew more than I did about scripture and who had more experience working with a bible study group. Then someone said to me that God does not call the equipped, he equips the called. I was afraid that I would be the one that disproved that very encouraging theory. I was afraid that God, the God, as we’ve learned is the owner of our very bodies and everything that we have, and see and well EVERYTHING, wouldn’t have the resources to equip someone as lacking as I. So I prayed very hard. Very, very hard. I asked that God would at least partially blind everyone to my shortcomings. Then it hit me, I was an ASSISTANT. I wasn’t the one ultimately responsible Karen was. Wow what a relief. Karen will tell me what to do, I’ll do it and there, all fixed. Well God has HIS own plan and it isn’t always in line with our very flawed thinking.
1 Cor 1:27 God deliberately chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose those who are powerless to shame those who are powerful.
Well the wise and powerful should be shaking in their boots at this point.
God had not chosen poorly, I had thought poorly of his choice. HIS choice.
God showed me again and again how he was ever faithful. He carried me through the first weeks, I still felt like the fish out of water. But he was there with me.
One Thursday, early on I had felt like I really didn’t belong. I was not only listening to the enemy, I was asking him to stay and I served a light lunch. I had all but talked myself into calling with some excuse not to go that night when my phone rang. It was Karen. She would not be able to make it that night, her back was hurting. I was very thrown by this turn of events. How can YOU call in sick? And you had a REAL reason. Drat. I fumbled some words of encouragement but couldn’t get my mind around the fact she beat me to it. Well God fixed that didn’t he? Karen wasn’t going to be back for a long time. My heart sank. But then God took my fear, my self pity, and ME ME ME attitude and I forgot all about it for the most part.
I came into this year’s Bible study thinking I was not capable to carry out what God had already worked out.
Have I come to the end of this year with ALL things fixed and I have no doubts or concerns? No, but I’m a work in progress. I have learned a lot of things about how God works and how much I NEED him for everything. Even the small stuff. I also learned, I’m not the only one who hasn’t “arrived” at the spiritual end. We are all working on making our lives more like Christ. But like any mechanic you need the tools. God has every spiritual tool we need. He is willing to hand them to me as I need them, or sometimes he’s already handed them to me and I just didn’t know how to use it until it was time. His love is so deep, he would send His only son for me, for my sins. He would also throw me into a Bible Study and equip me to make it through. And here on the other side of this year’s study he has shown me so much, and stretched me so much. God mercifully brought Karen back, but not before I learned some lessons, made some friends, and loved a lot.

That's Why

That’s Why

When your confidence turns to doubt
Or you see there is no way out
That’s the time to,
That’s why you
Turn to Jesus

When the world for you has failed
When your dreams have all but paled
That’s the time to
That’s why you
Look to Jesus

When you feel you’ve lost your way
When it seems dark all of the day
That’s the time to,
That’s why you
Pray to Jesus

All your worries, all your cares
Can be carried by the one who is always there
The one who is light when it seems dark
The one who can bring fire where there was no spark
The one we pray to
That’s why we pray to
Jesus

The Wedding!

Now that you know my little secret crush on my soon to be daughter in law, I will share the place they have chosen. It's going to be an outdoor wedding at The Church in the Woods in Lake Oswego. As you can see the view of the lake is breath taking and will be a gorgeous back drop for a wonderful event. The event is scheduled IN STONE and a non-refundable deposit for August 8, 2008, or 08/08/08. It is a Friday evening wedding. The date was chosen because 8 is the number of new beginnings in the Bible. And this is going to be a great new beginning.

I'm fairly confident in saying that our photographer will have a ton of photographic opportunities with this location. There is a rose garden on sight, a beautiful water feature and secluded garden with a tree canopy that just screams to have a photo taken beneath it. I'm excited to see what our wonderful photographer will do with her very artistic eye and this wonderful backdrop.

I'm just excited all over for this time in our lives. Sharing it with the kids has been a wonderful gift.

What is a Kristien?

Her name is Kristien (kristeen). She blew into my life about a year ago. A whirlwind that I couldn't stop. My heart just opened up and wanted to swallow her. I felt this longing to be her mother. Not just in some superficial way, not like when you just enjoy being around someone, I felt ripped off that I couldn't claim her as my own flesh and blood. I wanted to be responsible for her as well as care for her needs. She was "friends" with my oldest son. But as friendship grew between them I began to hope that she would be a permanent part of our lives. I was really secretive about my feelings.....(My family will tell you different). So to say she blew into my life a year ago is a stretch. She actually blew into David's life, but I was so busy falling for her that I didn't much care about their relationship. They were cute and all, but I really needed some security in knowing she was always going to be a part of my life. I enquired regularly of the progress of their relationship. Not in a nagging way, but sweetly and without prying into business that wasn't my own. You know, like "how are you and Kristi getting along? Any wedding plans yet?" "How many kids do you think she wants?" And the ever subtle "Do you know how cute her hair would look up and in a veil?"
I have watched her grow from a giddy young school girl to a beautiful, talented, spiritual young woman. I have seen insecurities that I had faced in my younger days. It has given me an insight to, not only who Kristien is, but to who I am, what shaped me.
On December 20th, 2006 Kristien agreed to be my daughter in law. Ok, she said yes to David's proposal. But, afterall, it is all about ME! This is my blog!
It was a beautiful and sweet time. Yes, new love and the combining of two lives is always nice, yadda, yadda. This was so fantastic, because the thing I wanted most was for Kristien to be mine and now she was going to be my daughter. She leaves me sweet notes and tells me she loves me. And she can dish out the sarcasm with the best of us. She is truly a blessing to all of us. But she was my gift from God. The daughter I never knew I wanted.
She threatens regularly of putting me in a home. Well maybe not so funny since I demanded 8 grandkids from her and that was her answer.
Loving Kristien has taught me so many things and made me grow up in so many ways. But it has mostly taught me that there is always room in my heart, no matter what my brain thinks. And next summer she will become a permanent fixture to our family. Now I only have to convince her that I make all the wedding plans for her.
Her mom Dawn is so wonderful. What a blessing....but that is for another day.

The Sea

The sea storms with such awesome power, my God controls it all
Never will the waves overcome me; never will they be too tall
Gently He guides me to the bay so calm; He takes me to the shore
The breeze drifts by and warms my heart; thunder can be heard no more
The beach is warm and the sun shines bright, beneath His loving gaze
The rest is deep and slumber will come, for by His hand he gently lays
Strength is gained from my savior’s hand; He gives so freely to me
And so I’ll lean on Him in the storm’s darkest hour, for His promises I see

Road Trip 2006

August 2006 my sister Cindy and I took off on an adventure. We drove down to southern California to drop my son off at college. The road trip down there was fun and we enjoyed spending time with David before he started classes so far from home. But, the fun REALLY started when we got him registered and all tucked into his dorm room, said our tearful good-bye's (first baby to leave the nest) and started to plan our trip home to Portland, Oregon and back to our lonely, abandoned husbands and kids. We drove out to the coast via a back road and found this amazing mission. There was so much history and architecture to see! We had so much fun looking at cactus and statues, reading about famous battles that incorporated this mission. It was truly one of the highlights of the trip.

When we got to the coast and the freeway we would be taking home we saw the ocean! It was an amazing sight that captivated us. We found a place to park and decided to go walk on the sand and see it up close. We were two kids just looking for fun, and with that we ended up in the water, clothes and all. We played for a long time, jumping waves, swimming and getting yelled at by the real baywatch babe for swimming too close to the jetty. Our day was complete and we were exhausted! Too bad we didn't think to put on our suits, or bring a towel, or better yet get the hotel room BEFORE we went for the swim. Soaking wet and tired we went in search of a place to sleep. We did find a place after a couple no vacancies (although I think it was because we looked like we were homeless wet drifters) and slept very sound.

One of the other highlights was getting lost at the coast and finding ourselves on the marine base and having to ask directions from two guards at the entrance. (we thought they may take us for spies) And if that wasn't funny enough, the next morning we "accidentally" found the front entrance to the base via a wrong turn made on the freeway entrance. :)

We started home and didn't get far before it was really tiring. I told Cindy to keep me entertained and awake. I made her read from the bible, just picking out some of her favorite stories. She would read for a bit and then give a commentary on what she just read. She would stop and say "you know paster Doug said this passage is blah blah blah" or "I have heard that this means thus and such". It was fabulous and before long we had discussed a good portion of the bible all the way to Northern California. She had been reading and talking for over 6 hours! Well there was the occasional game of road bingo, which we morphed into our own little giggle fest. Cindy had sores on her tongue from reading and talking so long. It was very funny.

The next day we were so happy to get home and be done with the car!! God was good and gave us an amazing road trip. And we made some really fun memories.

My Molly Woggins

In January 2006 my husband gifted me with Molly. She is 1/2 Dachshund and 1/2 Pomeranian and completely marvelous. I had just quit my job of 5 years to start a company at home and felt I would be lonely. Molly has made sure that didn't happen. Although she was more than we had signed up for, being hard to house train, she has added a wonderful element to our family. She is a loving and kind soul that greets visitors with a lot of enthusiastic jumping (we are working on that) and kisses. She loves eating, and playing with her "woobies" (beenie babies). She fetches really well and can catch things mid-air. Her personality is quirky and she can be quite moody, but she has won over even the most hesitant family members. In Molly's world all are welcome who have food. She will start campaigning for morsels while you are still cooking. And she looks like a meer cat up on her hind legs. :)

Spring is here!

Some people mark the seasons with pictures or the breathtaking arrival of tulips and crocus, or the crispness of the evenings. I love to create in a way that marks the coming of seasons with my cards. When the crocus and tulips announce spring, I know I can pull out the pink and lavender paper and mix pastels to celebrate the spring. Soon the bold and bright blues and yellows of summer. My world is marked with marvelous colors of paper and ink. I do love spring and summer creations, they are my favorite colors brought to life.